Friday, September 7, 2012

Doctors Appointment Update

 My cervix hates me. It is no where near ready to have a child come on down it. My doctor said absolutely no induction would be scheduled because the risks would be way too high. Great, now I am stuck with the reality of having to labor and deliver on my own. I had this whole birth plan in place. I wanted to have her naturally and without any medication. I wanted this so badly. It was really the only plan I had. Leave it to the Navy to take that plan and throw it to the wolves. My family is across the country, his as well. No one has stepped up and said they would fill in for Kevin as a primary support for me and my child. It literally rips me to pieces. I can only count on myself at this point to bring my child into this world. It is my only purpose to protect her, and being induced would put her directly in the line of fire. As a mother I cant justify her health for my own selfish convenience. It just makes me super sad that my own mother cant get her act together and be there for me when I need her most. As the Dr was telling me that I was out of my mind to think that she would induce me with so many risks, I wasn't so upset that Kevin wouldn't be there, I was mostly upset that I had to realize I would be going into this journey alone. I know I wont be alone, I will be with my child. I will have a new purpose in life and I will be swimming in all of her love. I just wish more people would be there to enjoy her with me. I will have no visitors to greet, and that weighs heavy on my heart. It will just be me and her. I am taking this as a sign to follow my original birth plan, and to do the damn thing unmedicated. The only reason why I considered pain management was because Kevin had told me I would want it. As if he has ever experienced pain of this magnitude before. I just feel like diving into this labor and delivery so deep and come out triumphant. It makes me even more enthusiastic to have a natural birth because I wont have to focus on anyone besides my daughter & laboring her. I can kick and scream and moan and groan all I want to. When she comes into this world I will greet her and tell her I love her will everything I have and every single cell in my body. I did it for her. I put all my fears aside so that she could come into this world on her own terms. I am scared out of my mind right now of all the things that could go wrong. I just know that the only struggle I had was Kevin not being there for the birth of our baby, and now that I have to accept that, I can focus on this labor and delivery the way I am supposed to. I know a lady who has always quoted , " Heart of a mother, soul of a fighter" and thats where my head is at right now. I have got to be strong for her. I have to protect her with all I am. 


  1. This is beautifully written! Best of luck with everything :)

  2. Jessica, this is so beautifully written. It really shows your heart and spirit. You will come out of this with a stronger heart and mind. In a few days nothing more in this world will matter than your beautiful baby girl. I really admire your passion. You really have the heart of gold and mind of a fighter. After this, nothing will be able to hold you down and you will surprise yourself how much you can endure through love. For the love of your child.

  3. Wow you can write girl:) but seriously good luck with everything! I'm so sorry your husband can't be there with you and your baby girl, that is just horrible of the navy! But he'll be with you in spirit and so will so many other people myself included!!
    Warm wishes to the three of you can not wait to see her ❤


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