Monday, March 11, 2013

A Portrait A Week.

its hard to get a photo of her standing still.
she is teething.
she is both happy and sad all the time.
she has yet to cut a tooth.

oooh baby i love your way. everyday. 

      my daughter is the best thing thats ever happened to me. i always knew i was meant to be a mother, but more specifically, i was meant to be hers. the day she was born was when my life began. i cant imagine life without her. the moment i laid eyes on her was like we had known each other for all eternity, and in another life possibly. its no secret that i had a hard time the first few weeks with her. but as im finding out, its not just me. it happens to plenty of mothers. more mothers than they would like to admit. i dont know why this is. why arent women talking about this stuff? why do i get emails from mothers my age who tell me that this has or is happening to them & that my blog has helped them come to terms with it? I want to know!

 Why is it shameful for a woman to admit that she is less than ecstatic about her new baby? women should have a time of grief really. you are losing your old self. at the same time as welcoming a new role. the life you once knew is no more. you and your partner will never go back to the way things were. you arent going to be that carefree woman who wakes up whenever, and enjoys a nice long bath. you just arent. i always enjoyed my time alone pre-parenthood. I really did. i liked sleeping on my stomach, i liked napping during the day, and most of all, i liked cuddling with my husband. i liked wearing makeup and getting dressed. i liked smoking the funny cigarette with my friends. i liked to go get pedicures followed by lunch and a beach cruise. all these things i loved to do, died the day i gave birth to my daughter and my new self. 

 Its okay. I was born that day too. this mother that i am today, is who i was really meant to be. i have never enjoyed something more than this. i gave up interrupted nights sleep for endless cuddles. i gave that old life up for a new one full of more rewarding things. but that old life needs to be mourned. it really does. women need to talk about this more. its not something to be ashamed of. it happens. i was just open to talking about it because i didnt have the help i needed. you have to help yourself in order to help your  children. i always want the best for my child. and if i cant be 100% when im with her, then i need to do what it takes to get there. my husband didnt get it. my parents didnt get it. my sisters didnt get it. no one around me really understood what i was going through. but they did listen. they did what they could. ultimately it was me telling myself to just take a second and be okay with the fact that i wasnt okay. i reached out to whoever i could. i got some advice and went with it. 

 i truly believe i had the baby blues times 100. i dont think i had PPD, because it went away after about a month. every now and then i get sad, but not the same sad that i was before. i guess its that feeling you get when you think of an old friend. the friend you havnt seen or talked to in a while. you so badly wish you could just talk to her for a while, or just meet up for coffee. but you cant because that person isnt around anymore. so you just have to think of the good times, and hope one day you will meet again.

 I know one day i will get my old self back. but like a million times better. because my baby has made me a million times better. i am a mother. do you know how major that is? just think about your mother for a second. how great of an impact was she on your life? positive or negative, that woman created you. she has left the biggest impression on your life. some mothers never properly say goodbye to their old self that day of your birth. some mothers try so hard to still be that same person they were before. some mothers never let it go. 

i have completely surrendered to my role as mama. there is no other title that will ever come close to this. i am in my element. i was chosen to be this woman i am. and it would not be possible without this baby. 

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