Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Bad day/Good Life

most of you may know that i recently accepted a job offer. after searching for what felt like months, i finally found one i thought would work out. i was excited. ive always loved working with kids. its been my only form of income for the last seven years and i really enjoy it. i have dreams and goals, that i would love to accomplish before i die. i believe i will do so. i have had the opportunity to stay home with kimbah for the past year. i believe the mother is the best teacher. i have spent every day giving her my full attention. i knew it would be an adjustment going back to work, but i felt more guilty than i ever have before. the job didnt work out, i ended up leaving on my lunch break. i wont go into detail about what happened during those few hours, but lets just say that my time at home with my daughter is more valuable than money.

the night before going to work i couldnt fall asleep. i laid in bed for hours with my eyes closed, but they might as well have been wide open. many thoughts passed through my mind, questioning myself, and my parenting. was it the right choice to accept a full time job? has attachment parenting set her up for failure in a setting with other babies? will my decision to nurse her down for naps make it hard for her to transition to crib sleeping? will i ever make the right choices? all these questions and really no answers.

i think parenting is about putting your child before everything else. i understand that not every mother gets to stay home. i feel very fortunate to have that opportunity. we are fed. we are warm at night, and we all love each other. we have what we need, yes we always want more. we could always save more each month, eat out less. but at the end of the day, we have what we need. i believe that my child needs me. she needs me to love her. when she cries, she is telling me something. i want to sleep with her every chance i get, i want to nurse her when she needs to be comforted. i want to teach her her ABCs and 123s. i know it is important to be a present and patient mother. teach her why things are right and wrong, not just tell her yes & no. we like to have dance parties in the living room, and we like to cook together in the kitchen. i want her to see her mom having fun, enjoying herself, and see that everyday with her is magic.

i do not want her to see me frustrated in a job that i cant stand. i do not want to have a horrible day and be in a horrible mood. that will greatly effect the way i interact with her. misery is contagious. i would have been miserable if i stayed more than a minute longer at that job. i would have had to completely put that job before my child and husband. all for a buck. im never going to be okay with that. i am fortunate to have other options for work and i look forward to seeing how that unfolds in the next few weeks.

kimbah is going to be a year old in two months. i successfully made it through the first ten months. its been the happiest ten months of my life. she makes my life worth living.

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