im rambling.

ive had a rough couple weeks. ive been looking for work for a while now, and nothing is working out the way id hoped they would. everyone i contact is so shady and just down right inconsiderate. I understand that "babysitting" isnt a "real" job to some people, but i do not consider myself to be a "babysitter". i am marry fucking poppins, ok?

this is the thing. you may go to a desk job where you fax papers all day. and you may be the best damn paper faxer in the office. im sure if you fax enough papers, you can even get a shiny award hung on the wall for it. when you are caring for children, you dont get any awards. the awards you get are those children remembering you after you are gone. thats the award. ive had luck finding two amazing families that i would drop anything like its hot for. Conor, Cara, Audrey, & Luke. those are the kids that changed the game for me. and you know what? im not saying sorry for asking for more than minimum wage, because i am worth more than that. oh, i have a daughter who would come along with me? that makes you hesitant to hire me? well you are only cheating your own children because she is the coolest kid around.

 i cant believe people these days. you want someone to come into your home, 50 hours a week, and pay them 150 dollars? let me tell you something about the people who are going to watch your precious child for nearly nothing. they arent going to read, play, sing, dance, cuddle, teach, calm, or care for your child. they just arent. that is a joke of a hourly wage, and i dont know how you could sit at work and not be worried sick that your child isnt being neglected in some way. im sorry, but the quality of care you would be getting would be very low. a legit childcare provider would not waste their time with that. so you would be getting someone who is desperate for money, and thats all it would be about. thats not who i am. i didnt spend the last six years of my adult life caring for children, day in and day out, to be paid peanuts. its not even about the money at all, but when you have parents willing to pay nothing, for something that should be everything, it makes you think.

i am a mother to a beautiful, smart, caring, and worthy child. my child is everything. i wake up in the morning to a smiling face, who knows her mother is right beside her. i care for her during the day, my day revolves around her. i have laundry that is stacked to the ceiling, i havnt unpacked our suitcases from vacation, and some nights i dont get around to making dinner on time. i am constantly aware of what she is doing. i entertain her when she gets bored, i make sure to change up the scene in the house for her, we go on walks so she can get fresh air. i sing to her, i comfort her when she cries, i feed her when she is hungry. these things take up most of my day. when she decides to give me an inch, i get her diaper laundry done. i try to keep the house clean, orderly. forget about me getting dressed for the day or even think about making myself food to eat. i run on my pot of coffee i make in the morning. my days are booked, and i do love it. most of the time it feels like im not doing anything to contribute to my family, but i know im raising a child to be a stand up human being, and thats no easy task. i mean, you are a citizen of the world, youve met some pretty fucked up people, have you not? some of those people probably got left in their crib to cry it out, while mommy was at work 50 hours a week and the caregiver was off doin her thing. just sayin.

 so i dont want to bag on the desperate working mother who cant afford to hire a legit nanny. thats not what this is about. this is about society, not being able. we made to choice to get pregnant. we made the choice to join the military. we made the choice for me to stay home and raise our daughter. some people dont have that choice, and i feel for them. i wish i could nanny all the kids and give them a killer day. but i wont give up my days with my baby, who im shaping, to shape your already damaged kid. not for pennies i wont. i feel for the mothers, the struggle is real.

but my job as a mother, and my job as a nanny isnt a joke. if you try to belittle either of those titles, you will get slapped.

i have no time for people who are half ass at either of those titles.
 a half ass mom trying to hire a half ass babysitter, ok.
but im none of those.

a stand up mom, hiring a stand up nanny, ok
we can work something out.

or i can stay my ass home and just hangout with my own kid all day.
 thats ok with me too.